Have you ever stood beside someone and felt like you just didn’t measure up? I treated my husband like that, in the past, which led to me writing: Ten Regrets I have as a Wife. Has someone ever made you feel that way on purpose? Like you’re a failure and haven’t met the standards they think you should have reached?
The sexy lady was dressed in skin-tight jeans, a beautiful sweater and had bedazzled three-inch stilettos on her tiny feet. She also had an expensive fur coat hanging over her arm. She was confident and good looking. I looked at her in admiration and then down at myself and thought, “I look like a bum next to her.”
There are times when people aren’t trying to make us feel that way, it’s just our own insecurities shouting out, “They are better than you!” Then that measuring stick flicks out in a split second, and we decide how we measure up, hoping to come out on top. Do you do that too or is it just me?
I dread the feeling of not measuring up! So why did I used to make my husband feel that way? Unfortunately, I would pull out the yardstick for Vance too. I am ashamed to admit it, but I would say those dreaded words,
“Why can’t you be like —-?
I would then give Vance the five reasons the other man was a better husband or father than him. Slap me now, I deserve it! I cringe just thinking I used to be that kind of wife. Never has Vance said that to me… not once.
If he had compared me to another woman, I would have been devastated!
Sometimes as women we like to pull out all our manipulation weapons and fire them at our husbands hoping they will conform to what we want. We nag, criticize, shed tears, accuse, stomp our feet…until he does what we want. If all else fails, we use the atomic bomb and compare our husband to another man.
A few years back when Vance was caught in the crazy spinning wheel of working too much, and I noticed the kids were starting to feel it also, I decided to have a chat with him about it. I knew I wasn’t winning the argument and pulled out my last piece of ammunition:
“If you were to die tomorrow and I was to remarry, what do you think the kids would feel if I married a man who spent time with us and really invested in the kids. Would they think you had been a good father?”
I can’t believe I said such a horrible thing to my husband.
Sadly, I can’t take back what I said. Fortunately for me, Vance is a very forgiving person and doesn’t allow the criticism he receives to define him.
In hindsight, what would I do different today if I could redo my marriage and the way I treated my husband in the past? Because honestly, this man could have given up on our marriage a long time ago:
Ten Regrets I Have As A Wife
1. I would have told him he was handsome often ( he may have heard it a few times a year)
2. I would have made his favourite meals ( I would on purpose make meals he hated)
3. I would have picked up his socks without complaining (I complained every time)
4. I wouldn’t have gossiped to my girlfriends about Vance (My best friend Kyna, heard all my husband’s faults)
5. I would have told him he was a fantastic husband (I rarely told him this)
6. I would have bragged about him in front of his friends and family (I was famous for criticizing him)
7. I would have thanked him for anything he did for me (I demanded acts of service and didn’t always say thank you)
8. I wouldn’t EVER compare him to any other husband or father ( I did this regularly)
9. I would have encouraged him in his work and made him feel like his job was outstanding (I resented his work and thought it was competition for my time)
10. I would have prayed for him (Instead I manipulated him)
I still work on these each day and need to keep them in check, it’s easy to fall back into the old wife I used to be.
This list could also be called, Ten Ways To Chase Your Man Away. Only by God’s grace did Vance not hightail it into another woman’s arms. (Read how God transformed our marriage, click on that book cover you see to the right, Beauty from Ashes or scroll to the bottom of your mobile device.)
If your man has left, I am not saying you were guilty of these ten regrets I had. Some women are lovely wives, and their husband hightails it anyways. Sadly their husband has the problem not them.
But if you are in a strained marriage and you would like to add a little bedazzle back to your relationship: take a look at my regrets and see if they might be yours also. It’s never too late to make your man feel like you genuinely love him, adore him and respect him.
If you take your regrets and turn them into tangible actions, you may just find yourself falling back in love with your groom. He could begin to cherish you again since you’re making him feel like a handsome, hardworking, good father and husband instead of a lazy-good-for-nothing-bum.
The way the woman in the bedazzled shoes and the fur coat felt is how our husbands want to feel as men: confident, good-looking, appreciated and admired. You are the one person in this world who can make him feel that way, and he may cherish you for it.
It’s a win/win for both of you.
I hope you don’t have to experience, Ten Regrets I have As a Wife, to become the lovely wife your husband needs and wants. Don’t delay, start today to make your man feel like he’s the best thing that ever happened to you!
You won’t regret it, and it will cause you to love your husband even more 💗
Love this! Always good to remind ourselves to appreciate those around us. Good read 💜
Thank you, Rosie I agree with you, appreciation goes a long way 🙂
Jay Hottel says
Cindy, my gut tells me that anyone reading this blog who can honestly self reflect, would own several of your top ten ways to lose your mate. Reading this from a man’s perspective, I came away with two thoughts. One being how aweful I must make my wife feel when I intentionally pull a #1 thru #10 on her. Then also how I know I feel if it happens to me.
Now turn the page……why on earth would we do this to each other when the remedy is to intentionally do the opposite and speak a positive word over our spouse and allow them to live up to THAT instead of assuring that they will continue doing what makes us feel defeated??
I love your raw and honest insight behind the Seaton curtain! It tends to mirror my own!
Pull a 1-10, love that Jay! Our humanity and selfish natures tend to rule us. But your right, positive words make us want to live up to the high opinion people have of us. The Seaton curtain has been transparent the past few months, it tends to humble me some days!
dvn ms kmz time travel says
I loved reading this. It is helpful to know that I am not the only one to have or had short comings in the wifey department. Thankfully, we still have breath in our bodies to actually do something to change those situations and make them right.
We probably all fall short in the Wife department, some more, like I was. Your right we do have the choice to consciously work on improving our relationships with our husbands. Thanks for coming to my site and commenting too!
I don’t think comparing to others is something unique to women. I often felt compared to the model of feminity that existed in my husband’s family.
I think your list is good. However, I think it is okay to complain if you have to pick up socks from the floor. That would be frustrating. For whatever flaws my in laws may have had they made sure my husband picked up after himself.
I definitely could think about #2 more, especially when it comes to cookies. And I always need to think about #10.
Perhaps the unique one for me that I could work on is the outward manifestation of my depression, that is oftern difficult for my husband.
Depression is tough Kate, I haven’t met a woman yet that hasn’t experienced it is some form, whether short term or long. I hope you can find a solution for the depression. When my son Kyle who has autism went through some tough years I had situational depression. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Cookies go a long way in making happy husbands😊