For years, I hated God.
He was a mean man. God watched my son suffer from severe autism, OCD, epilepsy, bipolar, extreme anxiety and other disorders. No matter how much I begged God to give my son a miracle, the mean man was silent.
Kyle continued to suffer for twenty more years. As he grew, he became violent, throwing household objects. I felt like I was living with an atomic bomb that could go off at any time.
Bitterness was eating my soul. The curse words that came out of my mouth when I was talking to God while driving alone to the grocery store were shocking. I hated Him for letting my son suffer so much.
The medical community had given up on our son, and my husband and I had no one to help us. Kyle had lost 80lbs and refused to eat. He smeared feces from floor to ceiling every day. Life felt unbearable.
My son was very sick and had lost 80lbs.
We needed a miracle. But God seemed to have disappeared.
One morning, I woke up early, and as I was spewing at God, he showed me a young man named Victor who had developed paraplegia overnight. Victor had also lost his sight and his ability to speak or eat. But he could move a couple of fingers and sign to his parents. He told them he loved God and wanted to honour Him in his suffering.
As I read Victor’s story on my computer, the Holy Spirit came over me and opened my hardened heart. God showed me how I was only willing to love him if he gave my son a miracle. Victor was ready to love God even though he had lost everything.
I sat with tears streaming down my face, begging God to forgive me for hating him. I devoted my life to Jesus Christ that day, and my world changed.
In the past, I was angry while cleaning up Kyle’s feces. Now I mopped with joy and a song in my heart. I praised God on my most challenging days. Slowly, Kyle got better, and life improved. He gained back his weight and stopped smearing feces. (Read more about our family and autism: here)
Then, one day, we met Jazmin. My son had fallen in love with her. Jazmin was nineteen and was terminally ill with cancer. She had auburn hair, brown eyes and long, thick eyelashes. Jazmin was beautiful.
She talked of miracles. My heart squeezed tightly. I wasn’t going to do this again. I made it my goal to help Jazmin accept that she was dying. Miracles were not an option. I loved this young woman wholeheartedly; our whole family loved Jazmin.
Eythan and Jazmin were married in a beautiful ceremony. Two years into their marriage, they had to move in with us so we could help care for Jazmin. She was down to 65 lbs and still talked about a miracle.
I fell into deep pre-mourning as I watched my daughter-in-law fade into nothing. When I hugged her, she was just bones in my arms. Her bedside table was full of drugs. She could no longer walk, and she was on oxygen.
My depression was thick, and I felt like I was walking through deep, dark water that would drown me at any moment.
One morning, as I cried out to God, He told me he wanted me to hop on Jazmin’s hope train. So, I packed up my mourning as God filled me with joy and helped Jazmin believe that she was going to get a miracle.
I hung onto that hope and joy until Jazmin breathed her last breath. Jazmin lived with an incredible love for God and got to the point where she surrendered her miracle to God. A few days before she died, she raised her arms to God in praise.
If God had not healed my heart years before, I would have been so angry at him when Jazmin died. But I went on to praise and love God even more.
I share Jazmin’s story in my book, Suitcases from Heaven. Get it: here
If you are angry at God for allowing one of your loved ones to suffer or die, I would encourage you to read Suitcases from Heaven. This story will help heal your heart and draw you closer to God.
I canāt say I hated God but I can say I didnāt like Him and was mad at Him.
My mother was very ill when I was a very young adult, 18-20. When she first got sick I live in Michigan with her and my younger siblings.
The doctors couldnāt give us a diagnosis for her condition. So one of my older sisters live in Ohio decided to bring her to Ohio to see if the Ohio doctors could help us.
From May to June they did all kind of testing and gave us a diagnosis of scleroderma. They said it was a fatal disease.
I had sat by my motherās bedside everyday while my older siblings worked and took care of their families.
When the doctor gave us the diagnosis, my mother began to tell us that she loved us and we are to always take care of each other. She had 14 children. 7 boys and 7 girls.
She lingered for about a week after she got the diagnosis. As I sat beside her bedside she would be talking to The Lord. She would say āLord Iām readyā I would say things to her like what do you mean you ready. I would say Lord no she is not ready.
She would have me read scripture to her. Oral Roberts was a popular TV Evangelist back in the mid 70ās. My mother asked me to go call them and ask them to pray for her. I did and came back and told her they prayed for her healing. I believed them when they prayed for her.
Oral Roberts had said something about flowers blooming again in one of his teachings. Another time when my mother was talking to God, I told my mom, you remember what Oral Roberts said, your flowers are going to bloom again.
I had never been around anyone that sick before. A lot of people began to come visit my mother in the hospital. She was in the room with another lady named Lanora.
Lanora was a very sick lady too. She was a white lady and she and my mother became friends.
We knew Lanora wasnāt doing very well, but at the time I never knew my mother was in the process of transitioning. I fully expected her to get well.
I had other siblings still living in our house back in Michigan. I also had an older sister that lived there too.
My mother told me earlier in the week I needed to go back to Michigan to make sure the bills were paid. My sister, Lula was going to take me, but I kept putting it off and my mother kept reminding me to go.
So my sister and I decided we would leave late at night to go to Michigan, get up early and go pay the bills and return back to Ohio before my mom would miss us.
We left late at night and it would take us about 2 1/2 hours to get to Michigan. We didnāt tell my mother we were leaving. We planned to sneak to Michigan and be back in time that my mother would not miss us.
When we arrived in Michigan and pulled up at the house it was a lot of people there. I instantly thought my brother was having a party as it was thee night before the 4th of July.
Before we could get out the car, my oldest sister, Berta was coming up to the car. As we got out the car she said Ma(what she called her) was gone. I said what do you mean gone. She said she died. I lost it. I said you are lying to me . She said no Iām not she passed away about 1:30. Which was about an hour before we arrived.
I immediately started crying. How could she do that to me. She knew I wouldnāt leave her at a time like that. I was hopelessly sad.
In the morning my sister, Lula said she was going back to Lima and I needed to stay there and make sure mamaās bills were paid. I was mad and more upset again. (Iām) crying right now remembering that time of my life.
I started praying and telling God Iām mad at you. Iām mad at my mama. Yāall didnāt have to do me like this. I sat there day and night every day and she leave me without telling me goodbye. I was so hurt emotionally. I went into a depression. I couldnāt believe my mother would leave me when she knew I didnāt want her to die.
In the months following her death I wouldnāt eat and I couldnāt sleep, especially in the dark. I lost a lot of weight.
While still in the grieving process I started to do things that were not my normal character. I met a man who had come by my sisterās house with his brother visiting my family. I had broke up with my former boyfriend months before.
He kept coming around like he was interested in me. I thought to myself Iām going to check him out and see if he was truly interested her just playing with me.
I went by his house and he ended up forcing himself upon me. Back in that day I was afraid to tell anyone what he had done to me.
A few months later I found out I was pregnant by him. I told him about it, but he refused it and said he didnāt believe it was his child.
So I was depressed again. As I grew in my pregnancy I started to have problems. I was instructed by the doctor to stay off my feet as much as possible.
One day as I was sitting up in a lounge chair at my sister Lulaās house whom I now lived with because I refused to go back to Michigan.
I started talking to God. I said Lord Iām mad with You and Iām mad with my mama. Iām sitting here all alone, pregnant and I donāt see why I need to keep on living. You can come and get me and this baby like You did my mama.
I heard in response in such a loud clear voice āLynn, you have a reason to live. I felt my child kick in my stomach. I said I do. This child is my reason to live.
From that day forward I started to think Iām going to be a mother. I have to live for this child.
I still had many depression days. I felt embarrassed about being pregnant with a child that the father didnāt want to have anything to do with. But I kept praying and asking God to help me to raise this child and help me to want to live again with a purpose.
Today I can say Iām no longer mad at God nor my mother. I love them both so very much. My mother was a very Godly woman.
She practically raised 14 children by herself. My father is a whole another chapter in my book. My mother taught me to love him also. After her death I remembered that she told me as a teenager that the Bible said to honor your father and mother that you may live a long and blessed life. I did learn to honor and respect my father. I am also living a blessed life.
My mother died at the age of 51 years. All of her children lived to be older than the age she passed away. My oldest brother died at the age of 64. He and my father died four months apart from each other.
My father passed in February 2004 at the age of 86 and my brother passed in June 2004. There are still 13 siblings living my motherās instructions to us. Stay connected and take care of each other. Thatās another chapter in my book also.
I didnāt know my comments would be this long when I started to write. But I do just want to say again that I LOVE JESUS CHRIST. I praise Him and glorify God every day because I know my reason to live is all about Him and teaching my two children (son and daughter) 13 grandchildren and two great grandchildren and everyone else that cross my path that God is love. You have a reason to live.
May God bless all who take the time to read my story and discover that they too have a reason to live ššæšš
Sharon, thank you for telling me your story. Your mom was such an inspiration and what a legacy she left for you and your siblings. Anger towards God after someone dies is a normal part of the grief process. God has big shoulders and he welcomes all our grief. I’m so thankful that he carried you through to keep your baby, what a hard time you went through. I was surprised that you have 13 grandchildren from two kids. God has blessed you tremendously and I hope he continues to draw you close to his heart. Hugs.