Do you and your husband have different outlooks on your marriage? Do you butt heads and have a hard time finding common ground? My husband Vance and I used to be that couple…
Vance is the king of one-liners. It’s one of the things I love about him. Most of them are romantic one-liners. I’m pretty sure he could write romance novels, he just doesn’t know it yet. Plus, what man wants to admit to that, they’d rather tell you they are capable of writing “How to kill a grizzly bear with your bare hands.”
Over the twenty-nine years, we’ve been married Vance has come a long way in the husband department.
You know how men will go into a store and go shopping but not want to ask for help if they can’t find something? Most men are like this in the department store of marriage. If their relationship is crumbling, they will just wander around aimlessly hoping they will eventually find the answer.
Women, on the other hand, can be different. If I want something and I see a sales clerk as I walk into the store, I will ask them where I can find my desired item.
Quick. Easy. Simple.
Now I realize I can’t just throw all men into the one category and all women in the other. But for the most part, this can be true of the sexes.
Years ago, when Vance and I were having marriage problems, I suggested we see a counsellor. I will let you guess how well that idea went over with Vance. In his mind, this was a quick, easy, fix. In my mind, we were heading for divorce.
I was a lonely, unhappy wife. We saw our marriage from different perspectives and from different mindsets. The following story shows our uniquely different outlooks as men and women in everyday life:
When we were younger and had been married a couple of months our church had a going away party for us since we were moving from Wawa, Ontario, to Wolfville, Nova Scotia so Vance could attend University.
They presented us with new sweatshirts as a going away present. I was standing talking to a woman when all of a sudden I was swept off my feet and thrown into Wawa Lake. When I stood up, a crowd had gathered and were laughing at another wife who had also been tossed like a banana peel into the water and me.
I was utterly humiliated. I was also young, immature and self-centred.
I asked Vance why he threw me into the lake? He said he had been dared by the other husband. I think I called him an idiot and gave him the speech about would he jump off a bridge if someone challenged him. I’m pretty sure everyone could hear my loud, angry voice.
“But he double-dogged-dared me.”
“I can’t refuse a double-dog-dare.”
Now being the super-smart woman I am I should have used that as ammunition for the rest of our married life. Anytime I wanted Vance to do something for me I could have double-dog-dared him into it, right?
No, it doesn’t work that way it’s man-to-man, not wife-to-husband. I found this utterly annoying along with a long list of why men are so complicated. But I didn’t seem to think of myself as complex.
I can tell you there are a million things about me that are annoying and my husband has chosen to embrace them instead of letting them get under his skin. He is better at letting things go than I am. Are you the same do you just let your husband’s annoying habits roll off your back?
When Vance is in the kitchen cooking, and he gets out a plate, a spatula, some eggs and then he turns around… they’re gone. I have this habit of not always being aware of my surroundings. I will see a plate out and put it away, or I will put away all the stuff he got out to make some toast. I create extra work for my husband and he usually just rolls with it.
In my defence, I was a mother of five kids for the past twenty-eight years. I was used to picking up after them, don’t roll your eyes, every mother picks up after her kids, you all know it! Once, when our kids were small, I even brought a plate of food to the table for Vance and then proceeded to stand over him and cut all his food into tiny pieces. Mom-habits don’t die off quickly. I going to be you have some mom-habits too!
My husband and I are as different as day and night. Vance is the first born, and I am a middle child. He is male, and I am female, and as much as our modern world wants us to pretend we are alike in the sexes, we are not.
Because of these glaring differences, it causes us to see marriage and relationships entirely from opposite angles. But over the years we have each influenced the other to see our side a little better.
We never did see a counsellor, which would have been good. We went to God, and he counselled us into a happy marriage. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a long process and Vance, and I did a lot of praying and asking God to give us a loving relationship.
We also sought out Christian literature on marriage. One of my favourite books is written by Gary Chapman: The Five Love Languages Gary’s book will help you and your husband speak each other’s love language so that you can learn to make the other person feel loved, respected, and cherished.
God opened the door to us and taught Vance and me how to love each other, serve each other and forgive one another. He softened our hearts, and our marriage began to bloom.
“So I say to you: Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. ” -Luke 11:9-10
But if my husband ever falls for a double-dog-dare again and throws me in a lake…I will burn his bacon. He will probably try to feed me a oneliner, so I don’t ignore him for twenty-four hours. It’s hard to pout when he’s romantic.
Is your marriage on the rocks right now? Is there a lot of fighting, heartache, and name calling going on? God, the creator of marriage, knows precisely how to restore your love and trust in each other. His desire is for you to be in a happy, loving relationship with your husband or wife. Ask him today to show you the way to a life you never dreamed was possible.
A happy marriage and family can make one’s life joyful💗
*After reading my blog just now, Vance turned to me and said, “If I had ignored the dare I wouldn’t have been worthy of your love.”
I stared at him for a few seconds totally confused, then I asked why?
“You’ll figure it out someday.”
Sigh (with some eye rolling).